the holy grail!

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You don't want to come across this fellow in the park

When the clock strikes five...

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Here follows a selection of quotes from the film and original script:

 

Jack: It's not funny.  It's sophomoric and mindless and dumb.
Anne: Then why the hell do we watch it all the time?
Jack: Because it makes me feel good to see how not funny it is and how America doesn't know the first thing about funny which makes it easier not being a famous funny TV celebrity because that would mean that I'm not really talented.

Jack: It's important to think.  It's what separates us from the lentils.

Anne: Didn't you say that what you liked about our relationship is that we didn't have to think? We could just be there for each other.
Jack: A suicidal paranoiac would say anything to get laid.

Parry: There are only three things in this world ya need.  Respect for all kinds of life, the love of another person who you can trust and pork on a regular basis...and a nice navy blazer.

Parry: They work for him, and so do I.  
Jack: Him?  
Parry: God, I'm the janitor of God.

Parry: They [the little people] came to me about a year ago.  I was sitting on the john having one of those really satisfying bowel movements--you know the one's that border on mystical.

Anne: I don't believe that God made man in his image.  Cos most of the s*** that happens comes from man.  Now I think man was made in the Devil's image.  And women were created out of God.  Cos after all, women can have babies, which is kind of like creating.  And which also counts for the fact that women are so attracted to men, cos let's face it, the Devil is a hell of a lot more interesting!  So the whole point in life is for men and women to get married...so that God and the Devil can get together and work it out.

Jack: There is no Holy Grail.
Parry: Oh, Jack, ye of little faith.  There has to be a grail.  What were the Crusades -- a Pope's publicity stunt?

Parry: You're a real honest to goodness good guy.
Jack: I'm self-centered, I'm weak -- I don't have the will power of a fly on s***.
Parry: That's why the little people sent you.  Just like magic.
Jack: I don't believe in little floating people!  THERE IS NO MAGIC!

Jack: You can't do this!  This is New York!  Nobody lies naked in a field in New York.  It's...it's too Midwestern.
Parry: Come on, try it.  Ya feel the air on your body -- ya little fella's flappin' in the breeze...

Jack: Did you lose your mind all at once, or was it a slow, gradual process?

Parry: Behold my magic wand and release your golden orbs!

Lydia: Listen, I'm not feeling well.
Parry: Well, no wonder.  We just met, made love and broke up all in the space of thirty seconds and I can't even remember the first kiss which is the best part.

Parry: I'm not coming up to your apartment.  That was never my idea.
Lydia: Oh...you mean you don't want to.
Parry: Oh no, I want to.  I've got a hard-on for you the size of Florida.  But I don't want just one night.  I have a confession to make.
Lydia: You're married.
Parry: No.
Lydia: Divorced.
Parry: No, I...
Lydia: You have a disease.
Parry: Will you stop!  I'm in love with you.

Jack: Where would King Arthur be without Guinevere?
Parry: Happily married, probably.

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